If you are not trying to hold on times
by Pumpkincredible
Summary: "If you are not trying to hold on times, you are not so afraif of losing it." In which Remus & Sirius fall in love but don't really accept it, then screw everything up, then try to make things better. Maraudeur's Era, Remus x Sirius.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harr****y Potter, sadly.**_  
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**A/N: Sorry if there's mistakes in my grammar.. but I'm french, I just tried to write this to see if it's understandable (I really hope it is :x.)  
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_Part one : « _So I just let go of what I know I don't know, and I know I'll only do this by living in the moment. »

The boys were lying in bed, reading together an enchantment book, laughing at the ideas of the future pranks they'll pull on other students, mostly on slytherins. James was at some quidditch training and Peter was, as usual, wathching him. Sirius had ditched him to stay with Remus who wanted to study a bit, when alone in the gryffondor tower. But that was before Sirius stepped in his bed and started to manage to distract him by commenting every spell that Lupin was trying. Now, they were just here, enjoying the few hours they were spending just the two of them. Both found these moments special even if they couldn't explain why. It just felt good to be together. Sirius was less, erm, less Sirius. He was careless of what others might thought about him, because others was only Remus, and Remus would never judge him. He hadn't to make everyone look at him, he only wanted Remus to pay him attention, like he was doing, because nothing else mattered than him during these few hours they could get. For Remus it was like escaping his life, or more precisely the wreckage of his life. With his parents no more talking to him, having Sirius with him, all for him for a few hours was like having a family again. With no James in the middle of them, he allowed himself to be more than just the prefect boy who always played wise and was there to set the limits to James and Sirius' pranks. So here they were, shoulders against shoulders, laughing. Sirius went to turn the page, so did Remus at the same time. Their hands touched, but none of them took his hand back. « This is surely awkward », thought Remus. « This is all definetely awkward, why can't I just move my hand away ? », thought Sirius. But he did nothing, nor did Remus. After a few seconds, Remus took back his hand, letting Sirius turn the page. They were silent now, reading in their head. There were all these thoughts running through their heads. What did just happenned ? Was it worth to care about it, or was it absolutely nothing ? Did they want to take it a sign of whatever it was ? Remus wanted to ask Sirius about it, he needed to know exactly what happened, he needed Sirius to put words on what he couldn't describe. He turned his head, desperately hoping that Sirius would know.

« Siri ? Can I.. », he stopped. Apparently, Sirius had had the same idea, or at least turned his head at the same time. Before Remus could speak, their head were already moving closer, their lips were almost touching, he could feel Sirius breathing right now, and that was what had interrupted him. What was going to happen now ? Were they about to.. But he didin't thought further, James entered the room, already followed by Peter. The two boys pulled out, Remus a bit flushing, Sirius bitting his lips. He wouldn't know tonight what all this fuckin' thoughts were about.


	2. Chapter 2

Part two : « You were my only friend, I know you needed someone to guide you. »

Sirius was lying in his bed, he couldn't sleep. He was watching Remus' bed, thinking back of this day, back in fifth year when they had almost kissed. Because that's what would have happened, he was sure of it now. But he wasn't sure of what it meant. Would he have liked this ? Did he wanted this ? And most importantly, was he always wanting this to happen ? A year had passed now, and even though he tried to burry this day deep in his mind, it would often show up again. Now, he could put words on it. Words he couldn't say before, words he didn't allow himself to think before. But now, he could say them. But he could only tell them to himself, if he told them aloud or to anyone, his life would be ruined as for Remus' one. Yeah, because that was it. He was in love with his best friend. Best friend who didn't know this, and probably couldn't even imagine the thought of it. He burried his head in his pillow. What was he going to do ? He was afraid he was going to act weirdly around Remus now, because he was doing everything he could to make their hand touch whenever they could, because he was watching Remus whenever he could, when he wasn't paying attention, because he couldn't stop himself to think about what it would be to taste Remus' lips when he see him talk. He didn't want to hide it anymore, but he also, and mainly, he didn't want to lose Remus. Not have the boy talking to him, laughing with him, taking notes for him, would just be unbearable. When he woke up in the morning, after dreaming the whole night of Rem', he couldn't look him right in the eyes. But in the middle of the day, this all went out, he started to relax and to act normal. There was no way somebody could find out, he had nothing to hide. In fact, he didn't think much about it until the christmas holidays. James & Peter were going home, he wasn't, nor was Remus. There were going to be the only two Gryffindors left there, he would have no choice but live totally exposed to his thoughts, nothing could distract him and it was going to be really hard to hide it from Remus without being cold, or weird. Though, he did pretty well until Christmas day. He gave Remus a book for Christmas, maybe the only book that he had ever read and liked, besides those that Remus gave him. Remus smiled, the book pleased him but.. but, he had already read it.

« Hey, it's not bad Siri, I loved the story, and now, whenever I'll read it, I'll think of you. We can even read it together, like we did since 1st year, remember ? ». Sirius didn't answered.

Yeah, like they did until last year. After the almost-kissing-scene, he had decided he was too old for those kind of things and that Remus should grow up too. He was sure Remus felt bad, but it was the only way. He couldn't spend too much time too close from him, he would have lost his mind, kissed him, and spoiled everything.

Remus went on : « I know you find yourself to old to do it, but.. it's christmas ? You could do this for me, couldn't you ? ».

Sirius smiled, of course he was going to say yes. He had no choice, and he wanted for so long now to feel Remus' body against his. The two boys lied now in Remus' bed, as they have done so many times before. Although the story was really good, he couldn't focus on it. He was only thinking of Remus. And as they slowly and unconsciously reproduced the same scene as before, he didn't think anymore. This time, he was going to kiss him. And he did. Their lips touched, he sliped his hand into Remus' hair, pulling him closer to him. When they finally ended the kiss, Remus was blushing. In his eyes were a sort of interrogation. In Sirius' head were only thoughts about what he just did : He. Ruined. Everything. Between. Them. He was going to apologize, when Remus kissed him back. And kissed him once more. And once more. They stayed the whole day in bed, intertwined. Like nothing else mattered. They were together again.


	3. Chapter 3

Part three : "Because sometimes things happen to people and they're not equipped to deal with them."

They spent two days together two days pretending everything was right and it would last forever. But Remus put an end to it. « I just don't see us working out with other people arround us. I just can''t. I'm sorry. », he said. Sirius didn't answer. What should he answer ? He had not even thought about it. At least, avoiding each other was quite easy during the last few days of holidays. But when James and Peter and everyone came back, it was not as easy. They kept suspecting something weird had happened between them, the other two kept denying, but no one believed it. Seeing it didn't work, Remus started to avoid James and Peter as well, even though it hurt. It felt harsh, but he had to do it, for Sirius. It should be easier if he wasn't here, right ? But it was so hard to be alone again. He cried at night, in silence not to wake the others up. Feeling lonely again when you had more thant 5 years long of your friends' constant presence in your head was almost a torture, but he had no right to complain, he had chosen to let them go. This night, like evry night for a week now, he couldn't sleep, neither could Sirius, even though Remus didn't know that. So, they were both awaken, in their own bed, so close from each other but already so far, thinking back of what had happened. Why did Remus ended it so apruptly ? Was Sirius truly sincere when he had kissed him ? How could he know for sure it wasn't just another game ? But the silent night nor the moon could answer their questions, they were the only ones who could. The problem was they didn't want to, for it would have meant they had to face their feelings, and they were far too scared. It's been like this for a week now, James couldn't bear it any longer, he had to do something to get his two best friends back. But with none of them admitting what had happened, he wasn't very effective. He spent just more time asking the two of them,. Remus and Sirius decided stopping to avoid each other, so James would stop asking questions. And everything grew back to normal, or as close to normal as it could be. Late at night, the four friends were sitting in the common room, talking, and laughing, as if nothing had happenend. When James and Peter went to bed, the two others stayed together, sitting in silence. Sirius quickly followed them, but as he went to the stairs, Remus caught his arm, making him turn back. He blushed, and stammered a bit when he said : « I'm glad we're talking again. I.. »

Sirius nodded, but said nothing. « I .. I couldn't bear the thought of James thinking something weird happened between us, I'm glad it's over ! », he continued, smiling a little.

« What do you mean _weird _? », asked Sirius, apparently not smiling.

Remus' smile disappeared immediatly. « I don't know, I'm pretty sure they thought we slept together or something like that.. it. », he stopped when he saw the look on Sirius' face.

His eyes narrowed, a quite disgusted look appeared on his face. « So Rem', that's all it was for you ? », he said. He leaned forward, pushing Remus against the wall. « Is it this that has bothered you the past week, thinking James might think we've done something weird. But we kissed, we did, and you liked it, remember? You're happy that this awkward moments are done ? But that's really egoistic, sweetheart. »

His voice was cold, and he was talking to Remus, speaking every words as if he was spitting. « What if I liked these moments ? What about me ? » Then he leaned forward, and kissed him. It was deep and passionate, and qute violent. At first, Remus didn't react, then he started to struggle against him. Sirius finally stopped. Then he let Remus alone, and quit the room, running to his bed, tears in his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Part four : « I've heard that you like the bad boys, _honey_, is that true ? »

And it was all finished again. They weren't speakin to each other again. Remus seemed more tired than he has ever been. Sirius was more charming than before, kissing one new girl every night, laughing hard and acting like his life hadn't changed. Especially when Remus was around. He acted as if he had to be loud to prove that he still existed, to show Remus he couldn't live without noticing him, and maybe also to prove himself he could still be the same without Remus, that he was still fully alive. During those days, he had all the girls he wanted, from Ravenclaw to Hufflepuff, and now even from Gryffindor. He did not try Slytherin one's, that was really too much to ask. Well, he was desperated right, but not enough to go against all his values. On the opposite, Remus was slowly becoming a ghost. He looked as if he was just a pale shadow of what he used to be, no more laughing, no more talking. He was only studying, harder than before, as if it was the only way to not feel the pain of the loneliness that had surrounded him. The library became his second home, right after the shrieking shrank. Talking about it, it was harder than ever to wake up from his transformation without his friends by his side. He felt like a monster, really. The thoughts he had forgotten with them came back, and wouldn't leave. He had chosen it, right, but he wasn't fully aware of what it would implied. He hadn't thought being alone again would be so hard. He slowly began to stop eating, becoming slimmer and slimmer. His hair weren't shiny anymore, his eyes looked sadder than ever. His skin had this grety-ish tone and rings under his eyes. He was tired, tired of everything. His life, his constant need of autodestruction, of Sirius' constant attempt to have his attention. Why couldn't he just stop ? It was already so difficult. But why ? Why couldn't Remus just accept the fact he had fallen in love with Sirius, what was he so afraid of ? He was the monster, not Sirius. He was the evil guy who loses his mind during fool moon and could eventually kill his best friend without knowing it. Sirius was the opposite. He was the one who made him laugh when he was sad, the one that suggested they become animagi to spend the fool moon with him. He was just Sirius, after all. So he could stop trying to get Remus' attention, he always had it. Remus did not cry no more. He started trying to move on, to forget what his heart was telling him. He would have had run away if he could have. Seeing Sirius with all these girls was so painful, but it was all his fault. Remus would have liked to stop himself from thinking of him, but he couldn't. Sirius had been everything, or almost everything, and now he didn't have him anymore, he finally get it. Sirius did see the changes that came from Remus, he saw that he began to loose weight, too much, too fast. But he did nothing. Remus had made clear they had nothing to do together. So he went on kissing all these girls, he went on living, despising hisself. Poor girls, they had nothing to do with all the story, but if he was to suffer, others had to suffer too. Moreover, he still secretely wished that one girl would make him change his mind, would make him noticed he was wrong. That he wasn't in love with Remus. That he love girls. That he could have his best friend back and make everything go back to normal. He missed _before_. But _before_ was over, and _now_ was just to much too bear. He hoped that _tomorrow_ would be kinder, but he knew inside of him that it wouldn't be if Remus wasn't with him, even though he refused to admit it. He had to talk to him, before it was too late, before Remus really become a ghost. He hated seeing him being this old shade of what he was, all the joy seemed to have vanished from his eyes, from his heart. If Sirius seemed heartless, Remus was a kind of zombie. Both were some people damaged by love. But both were fautive. They just wouldn't admit it. Lying to hisself was really powerful, after all. They just saw what they wanted, trying hard no to pay attention to the others things. They were really bad though, this lying game was not their stuff. One night, as they came back from the Great Hall, Sirius saw Remus in the hallway. He began to overact, making James & Peter suddendly wonder what happened to him, but then, they saw Remus and understood. Remus, on nerves, turned back and started to shout at him.

« STOP ! JUST STOP ACTING LIKE THIS, OKAY ? I KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE, I KNOW IT. JUST LET ME BE ON MY OWN, I DON'T WANT TO BE NEAR YOU ANYMORE, THAT'S ALL. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST UNDERSTAND IT ? ».

James and Peter quickly decided to let the two of them and hurried to the Common Room. Sirius began to feel nervous. « So it was really over, he had no chance to get him back ? », he thought. What was he supposed to do now ? He couldn't just let Remus go. So he also began to shout : « WHAT TELLS YOU I ACT LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF YOU ? IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, I'M JUST THE SAME PERSON AS I WAS BEFORE. ».

It was lame, he knew it, but that was all that came outside his lips. A disgusted look appeared on Remus' face.

« Oh please, don't play that game with me. I noticed you acted like this when I was there, so don't tell me you haven't changed anything. », he said with a despising tone.

« And I tell you you're wrong, ok ? I think I know myself better than you do. It even seems you don't even know me at all. Maybe you're the liar, maybe _you_ didn't play fair with us all these years ? », told Sirius, coldly.

Tears began to fill Remus' eyes. He stammered, « I.. I.. I am the one who didn't play fair ? How can.. can you even tell this ? You.. You know all my secrets, even the big one, the one which could have ruined my life because I told you. And I am the liar here ? » .

Then Sirius did the thing he would regret for a long time. « Are you talking about you being a werewolf, Rem' ? ».

He knew that many people were watching, or that many could hear them. He knew it, and he did it. He just spitted it out like he could have talked about the last potion essay. He didn't even recognize hisself as he did it, it was like he watched the whole thing from over there. Remus face became paler than before, he opened his mouth as to tell something to Sirius, then quickly closed it, turned his back to Sirius, and walked out here, trying to stay calm. What was he going to do now ? What ? All he could think about was « Oh, my dear Sirius, how I wish I could hate you. ».


	5. Chapter 5

Part five : « Hearts can be very difficult to understand. Hearts aren't like books. They don't have unchanging words, set to page permanently. Hearts change. Hearts learn. »

Remus went out, in the parc. He started running, he didn't know where. He finally sat down somewhere, and putting his head on his knees, started to sob. And eventually to shout. Then, he tried to fall asleep. Outside, because there was no way he went back to the castle, no way he comfront the other students. It was all too much for him. At the same time, Sirius was being shouted at by James. For being such an asshole.

« WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, MATE ? DID YOU JUST COMPLETELY LOSE YOUR MIND ? », shouted James. He was so angry with Sirius, he had just done something too much. « I could understand « you two not talking to each other anymore » thing. I tried to do with the whole « I try to make him remember I'm alive by kissing everyone I can think of so that he becomes really jealous and finally comes back to me » thing. But THIS ? DID YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU JUST DID ? »

Of course, Remus did understand what it implied. Surely, Remus would be expelled, and it was all his fault. He would never see him again. He had just ruined his life, and Remus'. Just because he was a complete jerk in need of love. He took his head in his hands, whispering « What did I do ? Why did I do this ? », but he knew he was too late. And now, he could be sure that Remus would never talk to him again. He would never have the chance to explain. James was still shouting, more for himself than for everything else, but in a certain manner, it felt good to learn how egoistic he really was from his closest friend.

« Can you tell me why you didn't just tell him you love him ? Why this ? You could have tell him everything, from the whole « My life's not the same without you » thing to the « I can't live without you », and then kiss him. But no, all you could think of was « why not telling his biggest secret in front of everyone to be sure he won't ever speak to me again ? ». I can't understand, Siri. I just can't. », and he closed the curtains from his bed, letting Sirius alone with his thoughts. So James did noticed he loved Remus. Why didn't he tell him ? He could have helped him get Remus back ! He closed his eyes. Of course, James had thought HE would tell him. But Sirius was just so completely focused on his own little person, he didn't even thought about this idea. He went downstairs, to the common room, then in the school hallways. How could Remus forgive him ? He couldn't. If he was Remus, he wouldn't forgive him. He was crying too, now. He was such a fucking idiot. Remus was heading back to the common room, hopping he wouldn't find anyone on his way. All he could think about now was how much he would have loved to hate Sirius now, now that he had a real reason to do it. But he just couldn't. He still wanted to get him back, to kiss him anytime he wanted to, he was just too much in love. When he ran down into someone, he shyly put up his head. Then saw Sirius. And started to turn around. Even though he wanted him so badly, he couldn't just fall like this into his arms. He stopped, and closed his eyes when Sirus started to talk.

« Hey Rem', look, I'm sorry. I know, it's nothing, I know it can't make up for what I've done to you, but I had to tell you this. You know, I realized what an idiot I was, for not telling you calmly the real reasons that made me act like that. But I think you know them, right? » He laughed sadly. « I'm sorry for ruinig everything, your life, mine, our friendship. I'm sorry I have revealed your secret in front of everyone. I'm sorry you had to support me playing with all these girls around you. I'm sorry you had to stop eating. Shh, don't talk. If you talk, I'll lose what I am to say. Yeah, I noticed you stopped eating. You're not what you were anymore, you're a ghost. You don't smile anymore. You don't laugh anymore. And you even don't eat. I'm sorry I caused all this. I wish I hadn't ruined it when James brought us together again. I even wish I hadn't kissed you, because it means we would still be friend. And it means that I could still see you laughing and everything, even though it would feel hard not to want to kiss you. Even now, that's all I can think about. The way your lips move when you speak, the taste they had, and how it felt when they were pressed against mine. I'm not hoping you would forgive me. I just want you to know I'm sorry. And I heard what you told me before, in the evening. I let you go. But please, start living again. If you can't do it for me, at least do it for James. You're still his friend, even though you're avoiding him. You deserve to spend time with him more than I do, you know. I am the evil one here, not you. You are wonderful, don't forget it. I love you, Rem. And I'll do it for long, even though I don't expect anything from this anymore. » Then, he turned away, went back to the dormitary, and tried to fall asleep. Remus did not move until Sirius was gone. At least, Sirius had faced his feelings. He had told him everything. Remus couldn't do the same. It was too soon. He headed down to the dormitary too, and turned and turned in his bed without falling asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Part six : « Damn my situation and the games I have to play With all the things caught in my mind »

Sometimes, you do things you don't even know why. You make your whole world fall apart and you're almost persuated that it was meant to be like this. Of course, you always think of what would have been if you had acted differently, but most of the time, you just deal with it, because we can get used to everything. That's the power time has on us, it can heal almost everything. And almost everytime we don't even see the scars. But it wasn't the case for Sirius. Nothing got better, time wasn't helping. He kept the wound deliberately open, he was too afraid of losing hisself again if he didn't. He kept playing all the times he had spent with Remus in his head. His love for Remus was a kind of poison running through his veins, slowly turning him into a living memory. His life was a living hell now. He had began avoiding James too, he couldn't bear the thought of his « almost brother » despising him for what he had done. He wasn't sure if James felt like this, though, but he didn't bother to ask. Being alone was the punishment he had to endure, he had deserved it.

« Damn my education I can't find the words to say With all the things caught in my mind »

So after all, he was still thinking about Remus. Remus who hadn't spoke to him again since the night he confessed everything, Remus who wasn't getting better at all either. He seemed sicker than ever, but nor James or even the professors succeed in helping him. All people talking to him only seemed to make things worse. Sirius wished he could help, but it was only a foolish thought. Just to torture himself again. To remember it was all his fault. He started many letters he never sent, he prepared many things to say but he never got to tell them. He had really ruined everything, damn. What has run through his head ? Maybe he hadn't been thinking at all, he was just so attired by Remus' lips and he only wanted to reached them. He did, he lost. He wasn't a winner after all, he wasn't the king of the world as he used to think he was. He was just the worst friend someone could ever have. He was definitely a _Black_. This thought, more than all other one, made him want to cry really hard.

« I don't wanna be there when you're ... Coming down. I don't wanna be there when you hit the ground »

So, life went on. Nothing happened. He wasn't talking to me again, and he probably won't. As usual, I was thinking of this, tying to fall asleep. But I couldn't. I couldn't sleep anymore, since I realized how much I was a total jerk. I heard him cry, this night. He was having a nightmare, probably. He often had one, and it usually ended quicky. But this one seemed to never end, he was moving fast, struggling against a non-existant ennemy. He looked lost, and hopeless. So I couldn't stop myself, and I went to his bed. As I came on it, I lay beside him, holding him in my arms, until he calms down. I was holding him tight, stroking his hair, waiting for him to feel better. An hour later, or it seemed so long, he finally calmed down. I wanted to stay there, it felt so good to hold him in my arms, but despite of what I wanted, I stand up, letting him ro better dreams and went to my bed. As I lay down, hoping I'd fall asleep quickly, I swore I heard him. « Thanks. » That was all he said. The first thing he told me for months. And it made me think, foolishly, that maybe I hadn't lose now. That something could still happen. That maybe, I was not so fool never stopping to hope. So, after this, we managed to create some kind of a relationship between us. Every night, I used to go in his bed, and we leaned together, witthout speaking. That was the only thing we silently forbadde each other to do : speak. Time after time, we kissed, we fucked, we cried, but never talked again. We also weren't talking during days, we were still avoiding each other. These nights with Remus were everything. But even if they brought me a lot of pleasure, it was more painful than anything. Knowing it didn't really mean something, touching Remus' body, Remus who was slowly eaten by anorexia, and was only skin and bones now. I hated it, touching his body, it felt so wrong. But I couldn't help but do it, if Remus wanted it, I had to. I would have make everything to make him forgive me, even this. And then, the day came when everything fell apart another time, the day when I screwed it up another time. We were in the dormitory, alone, and then Remus suddendly jumed on me, kissing me passionately, biting my lips even. I let my hands wander under his shirt, and pushed him against the wall, then I said what ruined it. I told him this, « I love you, Moony.. », bitting my lips, waiting for his answer with tears-filled eyes. He looked at me, and then turned your back and went out the room, leaving me here alone, with the walls as only witness of my sorrow. He didn't come back this night. It was full moon. You didn't come back after it, either. But _that_ wasn't normal.  
« So dont go away, say what you say Say that you'll stay, forever and a day In the time of my life Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right »

When James told me that Remus was in the nursery, I didn't believe him the first time. Then he explained that this time, Remus was to weak to recover from the transformation, because he was anorexic it was too much for him. As soon as I fully understand what James was saying, I ran to the nursery. He was lying on a bed, sleeping. He was also having fever. I took a seat next to his bed, and stayed here, looking after him. He woke up, once, but he was still agitated so I told him to sleep again. He smiled weakly and I took his hand in mines, until he did fall asleep. I stayed here for hours, not thinking about the fact that I was supposed to have class and that I will get detentions. I was glad I could say with him, although he wasn't fully aware of. I I were on one of those muggles' movie, I would try to take benefit of this situation to confess how much I love him, and then he would wake up and kiss me with passion, and everything would endly be alright. I had always found these scenes lame, but right now I secretly wished it could really happen. But we're in real life, that doesn't happen in real life. I was think of whether I'd open my mouth and talk to you, when he finally woke up. He laid his eyes on me, and smiled when he talked.  
« I thought it was all a dream.. »  
« What ? », I asked.

« You being here with me, waiting for me to get better. »  
« No, it wasn't. », I smiled. « I would never let you, because I hate seing you like this. »

I shut my mouth up. We wasn't supposed to talk, or else he would left me again. So, instead, I stood up, and turned ly back to him, looking outside the window. We didn't speak for what seems an eternity. We were just the two of us, listening to the beatings of our broken hearts, not daring to move, afraid to break this unstable balance that linked us. He was the first one to speak again.

« Don't you find it strange that we can spend so much time together without talking ? I mean, we haven't talked, really, for months now.. », he whispered.

I still didn't turned back, I didn't want to face him now.

« Yes, that's true. We didn't talk. In fact, we did pretty much everything except this. We kissed, we fucked sometimes, but we never said a word. You know why ? Because you didn't want to. Because I was so afraid of losing you again that I scrupulously respected this rule. But I'm so sick of it now. » I finally turned back, facing him. He had tears in his eyes, but I didn't care, I went on. I had too much on my heart, too much that was going on in my head to stop now. « I hate what you've become. I hate myself for what I did to you. I hate seing you laying here, becaus it's almost like _I _send you here. I hate not talking to you, because, even if you won't hear it, I love you. I love you, and I need you. Not to kiss you one time when you decided to, but whenever I want to. Because I can't live my life without you, and I know I hurted you, but I sweat I'll never do it again. I'll take care of you, of us, of everything if you're not capable of it. But I can't do it without you. So what the fuck's wrong with you ? Why can't you just tell me what's going on ? I can't read your mind, Rem'. I'm lost here, I don't know what to do anymore. I just.. Why the hell can't you just face your feelings like everyone. Stop lying, stop hidding. Just talk to me again.. ».

When I stopped, I was almost shouting at him. I saw Mrs Pomfrey during my speech that tried to come to me to tell me to go, but I don't know how James convinced her not to. I noted somewhere in my mind that I had to thank him after. When I finally laid my eyes on him again, he's crying, curled up on his bed. I kneeled beside his bed, and took his hand.

« Oh god, Rem' I'm sorry. You're sick, and all I do is shouting at you. I'm so sorry, I didn't want to make you cry.. I just.. »

I couldn't finish my sentence, he was endly speaking.

« It's not your fault, nothing's your fault. You didn't force me to stop eating, for instance, I did. I did it because I hate not having control on things. I'm weak. I always have been. »  
I tried to protest, but he wasn't listening. So I shut my mouth up, for the second time within a few minutes.

« I was supposed not to make any friends, to protect them from the monster I am. But you and James, who were the coolest kid from school, have chosen me to be your friends, and I felt so happy I couldn't stop it to happen. I tried to lie to you about me being a werewolf, but you discovered, and didn't dropped me. I had faith in you, I loved you, but I couldn't resist to anything. Even when you wanted to pull a simple prank on someone, I was always finding myself willing to do it after you talked to me. I am weak. So I stopped eating. Because, _that_, I could control. Or at least I thought so, it turns out I was wrong again. That doesn't explain why I avoided you, right ? ». He smiled bitterly, then went on. « I didn't want to face my feelings for you, because for once, I wanted to be normal. I've always been the freak one. I am the poor guy, the werewolf, the orphan, the prefect, the mister-I-know-everything, I am the boring one. I am not like you, or James. Not even like Peter. I'm at the bottom of the alimentary chain. I didn't quite understand why you have chosen me as a friend, but it made me so happy, that I didn't say no to your offer. But I didn't want to add the « gay one » to the list. I didn't want to be more of a freak than I already was. It's been so long that I'm a werewolf, that I don't even remember how it was to be normal, how it was before all of this. I'm sorry, Padfoot, but I think I was a bit egoistic on this story.. »  
I burst out laughing. So it was all ? It has nothing to do with me ?

« Oh god, Remus. Being gay is normal too. And you don't have to care about what others are thinking. Just be yourself, I assure you, you're amazing at it. And for you being weak, it doesn't matter. I can be strong for two, but you have to promise me you'll eat again. »

He cracked a smile, then he approached his head from mine, and kiss me. It wasn't as usual, it was softer. It was better. It meant _I love you too_.


	7. Epilogue

Epilogue : « And after all, you're my wonderwall. »

So when, after reading in the Daily Prophet that James & Lily were killed yesterday, he received Sirius' owl which gave him a letter, on this morning of November the first, that said « I'm innocent, Remus. I swear it. Please, forgive me for everything, I'll come back one day. I love you. Sirius. PS : Please, take care of yourself. », he believed him. Because Sirius had sworn to him, that he would never hurt him again.


End file.
